Am beginning the new year with a gratitude journal. Not a resolution because that is, for me, difficult to adhere to. I am grateful for so many things...my health (mentally, spiritually, physically), my good friends and family who continue to support me and lift me up and life's trajectory of new experiences. Most of all I am so grateful that I was allowed to have Q in my life. I keep this picture for a couple of reasons: it shows the bond we had together as mother and son; it was taken 3 days before his passing. He had grown from a child to a young adult to a fine man.

Heaven and hell are the reality. It is our path to coexist. 

Unexpected tears

Q would have been 29 on January 7^th. I
 
have his ashes and say hello to him every
 
morning. Some may think this is morbid,
 
but it makes me feel connected. Most days
 
are good and are better than the day before.
 
The intense loss is still there and I’m sure it
 
will always be so. I had a contractor today
 
to install plantation shutters in my place. He
 
said he noticed he triangular flag which is
 
given to family after a family member
 
passes. He asked about Q. I didn’t allow
 
myself to cry but when I told him why I had
 
the flag my throat closed to only share the
 
minimal details. I cannot share to much or
 
open this door. If I do I may not be able to
 
stop. Last night I must have cried as when I
 
woke up this morning my pillow was wet. I
 
think I cried as I sometimes do. In the
 
daytime I try to keep busy but when I am
 
alone, I sometimes find myself crying. The
 
pain is intense. It is indescribable. Tears are
 
hard to understand. They roll down my
 
cheeks even when I don’t expect them to. I
 
miss my son more than I can say. A friend
 
said Q was my work of art. I feel he was.
 
The best thing I will ever do.