People use different euphemisms to address the death of a loved one… “gone, passed on, left, is no longer with us”.
The fact is
that my son, Q, 5 weeks before his 28th birthday, killed himself. True to his nature, he decided to do this at a scenic overlook off of Transmountain overlooking the city. The
police referred to it as a “self-inflicted suicide.” He was the second of three soldiers in his unit to do so within a one week period. (more on that later).
I think the
thing is, for me, I am feeling extreme loss but also, frankly, anger. Q said that he and I
were always a team. We were, or I
thought we were, in every sense. Through the years, our relationship morphed
into me caring for him to we cared for one another as dear friends do.
So, my teammate,
Q, decided in the early morning hours of November 17th to leave our
team. No letter explaining why. No hint of depression. The morning he left the usual way, “Call me
if you need me. Love you.” He even asked me to order him pizza and spaghetti
carbonara for him to have when he got back in the wee hours from Dona Ana (a
camp where Afghan refugees reside and where, for some unknown reason, there are
Infantry from Fort Bliss are assigned). Before he left that morning we talk
about Thanksgiving and Christmas.
Around 3:45
am, right before he took his life he texted “I love you” to me and his Uncle
Jeff. He texted his best friend to tell me he loved me, and he was sorry. I
think this is bunk, rubbish. “I am sorry” is what we use when one forgets to
take out the trash or forgets to unload the dishwasher.
So, Q. is
now gone to wherever one feels the departed go. The stark reality is that Q is sitting on a walnut box on
my credenza. Fortunately, my family has asked if he (and I someday) would like
to be buried in the Lexington Cemetery in Bedford, Iowa. This is where generations of the Kernens (my
maternal ancestors reside). It is beautiful there. Peaceful, green, Iowa.
I truly believe
that suicide is one of the most selfish things one can do. As a psychologist, I understand that
depression can take many forms and that suicide is a manifestation of this. On a
personal level, however, this doesn’t ease the pain. Q. left us to work things
out after he checked out. We will live our lives but will always feel this loss
and grief every day. There will be this empty space there, period. I believe
our sadness, however concealed, will be there for a very long time.
