Quiet, emotional

 

"If you are born to fly, I won’t step on your wings". I think about that every night. My loss of my son is, frankly, inconceivable. I am stoic during the day. I am sure people wonder why I am this push through person. The thing is, I am quiet, emotional. At night I let myself grieve. I do not let the fissure go so deep in fear that I may not come back. This is who I am now.  I am quiet, emotional.

After Life

I am watching the second season of a Netflix show, After Life, with Ricky Gervais. It’s a comedy but also has some very poignant moments. This one scene really resonated with me. He was sitting on a bench in the cemetery where his wife is buried. He has befriended an older woman who also visits her dead spouse daily. She says to him, “Live your life as if there is no tomorrow. Then you wake up and do it again. It doesn’t matter what you do as long as you live your life to the fullest and enjoy every second of it. And if you don’t think it is worth a try, why should I? I used to sit on this bench everyday by myself hoping that someone would come along who would understand. And it was you. You were in the same boat as me. You had lost someone. I just want you to find something that makes you want to get up in the morning. I’m still going. I know that I can’t replace Stan, but I’m not going to throw in the towel and the only thing that worries me right now is you not being happy. It’s all about hope. You’re allowed to miss Lisa and grieve and be angry, but I can’t bear the thought of you having no hope. It’s the saddest thing in the world to me, giving in. Please. Tell me you have hope.”

 

somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond

E. E. Cummings - 1894-1962

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somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond
any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully,mysteriously)her first rose

or if your wish be to close me,i and
my life will shut very beautifully,suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility:whose texture
compels me with the colour of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens;only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain,has such small hands

 

The last song in Q's celebration of life. It is "Fall on Me" by Andrea Bocelli and his son, Matteo.

https://youtu.be/ChcR2gKt5WM

 

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in]

BY E. E. CUMMINGS

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

                                                      i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

When I had my son at 10:04 pm on January 7^th, 1994, my life changed. My son, Quentin Reed Brown, “Q” was born. He was the light of my life, and he will always be. On November 17, 2021 @ approximately 4:30am Q left this earth unexpectedly and seemingly without reason. His life, however, will not be defined by those few minutes in which he left us. I had 27 years, 434 days, and 4 ½ hours to have this life blessed by Q. This is a celebration of Q’s life and is what he would have wanted. Happiness, laughter and even those lessons we all learn. My life with Q. as my son and friend has been the greatest joy of my life.

 

So, who was Q. as a person? I suppose like all things it depended on whom you were talking. A few things from me:

We have called him Q since he was little since he disliked his given name, Quentin. My friend and I went to bible study and took Q. A arley drove up and we were stunned to see that it was Emmet Smith of the Dallas Cowboys. My friend introduced us to Emmet. He picked Q. up who was 3 at the time and said, “You are going to be one hell of a football player, Q.” From that moment one, Quentin was called “Q”.

 

Q. loved sports-both playing and watching them. Initially he played t-ball at 4 years old, but when he was 5, he entered the PFL (Plano football league). As his mother, I would say he was adorable in his uniform, but Q. and his friends took it quite seriously. We did a fundraiser one year to help the boys play at the Cowboys Stadium. It still was one of the highlights for Q who played PFL for the Cowboys. Q. won MVP for that game and received a trophy. I remember that he was a bit embarrassed by the attention. He told me that all his teammates were MVP’s. That’s kind of how Q. was. Always humble in this way.

 

When Q was 10 years old, he found a new sports passion by playing lacrosse When he was starting the coach asked him which position, he wanted to play. Instead of being a middie, he said he wanted to be in the defender position. His rationale to the coach: “Defense. I’d rather hit than be hit.”

Q was the eternal optimist. He was an avid fan of the Dallas Cowboys. Each time they would come close to winning then not do so he’d say, “They just had a tough game. They’ll win next game!”.

 

Q had a goofy grin which was contagious. He wore that grin most of the time and had a great witty sense of humor. It was hard to be around Q without laughing out loud at his jokes. He loved to spend time with friends and family and just laugh.

 

Admittedly, Q liked to have a drink with family and friends. When he and I visited Portugal, his favorite wine was called Porta 6 Red and favorite beer was Sagres. We drank these together while we were there. There would always be black olives and tapas to eat. In Porto we often drank this after a day of sightseeing. There was a small café overlooking the Douro River. We could see the   town over the river, Villa Nova de Gaia. It was breathtaking. These moments with Q. are one of my best memories.

 

Q. was easy to love as he was always kind and a terrific listener. He earned eagle scout at 12 years old and subsequently earned bachelor’s in business admin. He didn’t like to talk much about these accomplishments as he never wanted to boast and avoided attention.

 

Q and I shared a love of travel and explored the world…Costa Rica, Portugal, Italy, France, Germany, Gibraltar, Spain/Andalusia, Austria, the Check Republic. We would always “mix with the locals” by taking public transportation and staying in lodging off the beaten track. Q. and I always loved that part of traveling…getting to know the people, their food, and the culture. I remember when we were in Cinque, Italy. The sun was setting, and Q. and I were perched on a rock over looking the sea. He asked me why I was tearful. I said, “Right now, this is the perfect moment.” That is how I want to remember Q.

 

When Q was at home and leaving, he would always say, “Call me if you need me.  I love you, Mom. You’re the best.” When Q. entered adulthood, if I was leaving to go somewhere he would always say, “Give me an up when you get there.” (He meant text him a thumbs up to let him know I arrived safely). Over the years our relationship morphed into mother, son to a deep friendship. We would talk about nothing, and we would talk about everything. Q. was my best friend and I his.

 

Q’s grandfather, my father, was the apple of Quentin’s eye. My father was Q’s primary male role model. He spent countless hours with him. My dad taught Q. how to ride a bike, go fishing, camping, you name it.

 

Q. was Native American on his biological father’s side. As he got older, he began carrying his Bureau of Indian Affairs card to show others the proof. We would always laugh saying that people didn’t realize he was a descendent in the Muskogee Nation.

 

Q. loved women in the best sense of the word. He would talk with me about the latest woman he was dating. For Q. it was always about what was on the inside. I told him that it was his decision on who to date, but that the important thing was that he treated each woman with kindness and respect.

 

Q loved serving in the Army. I think one of the primary reasons was that he felt such a sense of comradery with his friends. Admittedly, I did not want Q. to go enlisted Infantry. I knew from my brother’s time in the Marines what a toll it takes on one’s body. The thing is it wasn’t my decision to make. My role with Q. as a parent was to support and love him. I hope he knows that I tried to do this.

 

So, to Q. Let’s close this chapter my dear boy. It is not goodbye forever. It is just goodbye for now. We had talked about moving to Portugal and were learning the language. So, I will say to Q, “Goodbye for now my son. I love you.” “Adeus por agora, meu filho. Eu amo-te.”