It has been some time…

 

I have not written for some time now. I attribute this to the busyness of life. Most importantly, my mother passed away. This was a blessing as her dementia had taken her. She was not herself when she passed. Her body was present; however, her soul had departed. There were strange family dynamics, but I survived the test and feel that I presented myself with kindness and dignity.

I put off my move to Portugal for now due to the Covid pandemic. I decided to purchase a home in El Paso, Texas. The high desert suits me. There are mountains near my home. In the early evening I go on my patio with my glass of wine. I view those majestic those mountains.  I close out the day as the sunset is a vibrant red, purple and yellow. I am filled with gratitude for the blessings in my life.

My son, Q, got home from Syria as did his company. I am so thankful that all of them are back. It’s a strange feeling when you have a son in a combat zone. At the best they gain valuable experience as they are embedded in a culture which is not their own. At worst they are in combat. I wonder if these experiences affect my son. He told me that when he sees a box or bag near the road the thinks it is a IED (improvised explosive device). My heart skipped a beat when he told me this.

I began working full time again. Although my work can be challenging, I love the fact that I can help others in their time of need.  Working gets me outside of myself which is a good thing.

My psychiatrist offered to continue to “see”” me virtually. Dr. Nair is the real deal. He acts as a consultant to ensure my meds are working for my bipolar disorder. Fortunately for me I am experiencing less highs and lows. My mood has flattened but that is okay. Taking my meds is an essential part of my wellness.

I will close for now. It is time to sleep and rejuvenate. I list those things I am grateful for every time I go to sleep and then awake. Doing so allows me to focus on mindfulness. The only thing that matters is the present. I am grateful for this.

 

I had a friend who recently asked me how I knew that the time was right to make the move to Portugal. "How do you know it is the right time?  Aren't you afraid?" she asked. I told her that it was like when you were 10 years old and were on the diving board, higher up than you'd ever imagined. You were  at the end of the pool and tentatively peered over the board into the deep end.   It was, it is, like that. Of course it is frightening. The thing is, sometimes you realize that the time is finally right to take the plunge. Maybe too deep, but definitely worth the plunge.

 The stars have aligned and it is finally time. A little bit anxious, but a lot happy. Purchased my one way ticket to Portugal this week and leased my flat. Am relocating to Porto, Portugal at the end of June next year.

 

Turkey Day...

I hope everyone had a terrific Thanksgiving! Q couldn't get home as he was just transferred from Ft. Benning to Ft. Bliss. In the interim, he was able to return home to see Mom before she passed. Fortunately, his commanding officer approved a few days off post, so I drove out to see him in El Paso. We had an unconventional Turkey Day and ate our meal at a Mexican restaurant near the border. We ate enmoladas (similar to enchiladas) and drank margaritas. What a memorable day! I'll return home Saturday knowing Q. is in the right place for this point in his life--challenged, happy, growing in all ways. And honestly, I think I am too.

My life is fluid at present. Fluidity is not a bad thing; however, it can be an anxious thing. I currently do not know where Q. will be deployed as he’s now been assigned to be a combat engineer. Stateside in Texas or Missouri or overseas in Poland or Korea. Fortunately he is happy about being chosen as a combat engineer. It will involve additional training but provide him more transferable skills should he chose to separate from the Army in 2 years.

I drove Q. to DFW airport yesterday at 3am. His flight to El Paso leaving at 10:20pm had been cancelled the night before, so we drove home from the airport and waited. Q. got on his flight the next morning. He is now is processing as he missed much of it to return home to Mom’s funeral.

Fluidity: I am not certain where I’ll live in the next year. Portugal, Washington state with my dear friend whom I've know for 50 years and is my true sister. Or will I relocate to El Paso to buy a house and provide a home base for Q?

Fluidity in my career. I was offered a full-time position with the EAP but am negotiating salary at present. I am working 60 hours per week as I’m balancing this position with the local nonprofit. Should I take the fulltime position at 40 hours per week or should I divide my time between the two and work 60 hours per week?

Fluidity. The good thing is that at the end of the day I can shut it down. I put it out to the Universe when I go to bed. I know that ultimately all will be as it should be. The thing is, every thing changes. People and places depending on how much you need you need them, and, more importantly how much they need you.

It's a strange thing, dementia...

We lost Mom Saturday night after a long bout with vascular dementia. It's a strange thing, dementia. It robs a person of their memory which is, ultimately, their identify. One's life is made up of moments which are filed away. These memories are like photographs one retrieves to frame a life well lived. When one is robbed of their memory, one loses who they were, who they are. I am thankful that I had a mother, but I am equally thankful that she is no longer impacted this disease which robs one of their dignity.