she knew him...

she knew him in the way a person knows the sky.

at times so sunny it would burn her eyes.

at times so cloudy she knew the rain would fall.

she knew him in the way a person knows the sky.

Lovely's dilemma...

Lovely was once was a girl who envisioned her life yet not in the conventional way. Her deepest desire was not to marry and settle but to learn, explore and experience the richness of life. She desired a close group of friends, of confidants, with whom to share these things. Lovely is a middle-aged woman now, older, and wiser. Despite her aspirations as a girl, in general, Lovely did what was expected of her. Lovely had married, had a child, gained; sometimes lost. suddenly, she found herself at a fork in the road. Should Lovely follow her heart, and to some, pursue her selfish desires? 

Lovely remained tied to the expectations of the responsible mother of a now adult child. She also felt the weight of being a responsible daughter of an aging mother. Sometimes late at night, Lovely wondered if it was time to take the leap. Truth to be told, Lovely had fulfilled many of her dreams she had envisioned as a girl. She had obtained that education, she had traveled, she had a group of dear friends. Even though these dreams had come true, Lovely continues to struggle between what she should do and what she desires to do. 

Deep in her heart she wishes to live abroad for a few months, perhaps for a few years. She feels a deep yearning to see that lovely sunset on the other side of the world. Lovely doesn’t have an abundance of money, but due to a bit of good fortune, if she lived modestly, she would be able to obtain this dream, as well. The dilemma which Lovely faces: should she continue to live the life of expectations or should she allow herself to see that lovely sunset on the other side of the world?

Little Toddy Soft Paws...

Todd came to me from a shelter in Fredericksburg, Texas. I investigated breeds which cat experts reported to have the least number of allergens. The breed that came up was the Russian Blue.  I found Todd on a website for rescued cats.  I asked the shelter to hold Todd for me and drove 3 hours to the shelter. 

When I arrived, the shelter said that they were mistaken. That, in fact, Todd was not a Russian Blue but was most likely a Korat (not a breed known for their lack of allergens). Never the less I decided to honor my commitment and adopt Todd. The shelter reported that Todd had been left in a garage and was abandoned by his owners when they sold their house. A neighbor called as he heard Todd crying from the intense summer heat and lack of food and water.

I’ve had Todd for three years now.  I have to take medication daily due to my allergies related to cat dander.  Further, Todd often vacillates between being attention seeking and extreme aloofness. However, in the early mornings he always awakens me with a light tapping on my face. It’s as if Todd needs assurance of his not being left alone.  This is why I refer to him as Little Toddy Soft Paws. He knows I will never leave him alone.

The real reason...

The real reason I always felt a bit sorry for her was because she never allowed herself time to be "me" before she chose to become "we". 

That is what real men do...

They show up.
They support you.
They are present.
They value you.
They own who they are.
That is what real men do.

Father's Day...

3 pictures that typify what Father's Day means to me. The first one is of my Dad and me; the second one is of my Grandpa Reed with Mom and my Aunt Bobbi, and the one on the bottom is of Mom & Dad when they were first engaged (without the two of them I may have not been able to celebrate Father's Day). My Dad and my Grandpa Reed were fathers in the best sense of the word--genuine, steady, strong and true.

It is not about you...

It is not about your issues, whether real or imaged; 

Those things in your past or in your present day life.

It is not about the bullshit, the competition, the pretension.

Don’t you understand that there is life outside of your reality?

There are consequences to your actions;

They relate to your deep seated insecurities.

I am uncertain why you don’t understand that it is not about you.

Her life...

She didn't love her life because it was perfect.
She loved her life because it was hers alone.

Epiphany…

One day she woke up with an epiphany.

It wasn’t merely the life she desired.

It was the life she was meant to live all along.

Two different things...

Being nice and being kind are two different things.
If you have to choose one, choose to be kind.

In the end, that's all that matters...

My father wasn't a perfect man.
I certainly wasn't the perfect daughter.  
But we loved each other deeply.
In the end, that's all that matters.

I refuse...

I refuse to live a life where I do not believe in the inherent goodness of humanity.

Choose...

Choose to be happy.  Choose to be at peace.  All is as it should be.

Leaning in…And Finally, Stepping Out

Here’s the thing.  I’ve led my entire life living up to the expectations of others.  I in some ways, in most ways, have taken on the role of the oldest child.  One of three siblings, I was the middle child.  I admittedly do have some of the traits that psychologists attribute to the child in the middle:  I am a peace keeper, I do believe in the goodness of others, and I am inherently the adult child who deeply, who at times over-emotionally, cares.  Please understand I’m not implying that my siblings don’t care.  It’s just that for some reason, due to some dynamic in my family, I’ve inadvertently assumed that role.

Let’s get back to the leaning in.  I googled the term and this is what I found: “In early 2013, the term "leaning in" started popping up on Facebook, Twitter, and LinkedIn.  The term comes from the book "Lean in: Women, Work and the Will to Lead” published in March 2013 by Facebook's Chief Operating Officer Sheryl Sandberg. The book traces its origins to a Ted Talk Sheryl Sandberg gave titled "Why We Have Too Few Women Leaders". The point of her message was to convince professional women to stay in the workforce and "lean in" to whatever role they are playing.”

Although this concept may be “new” it is essentially a repackaged definition and concept regarding the role of women.  I was raised as a young woman in the 1980’s. My father and I had a different relationship than that of my other siblings. He pushed me to achieve.  He said to me that “I don’t celebrate mediocrity” when I brought home less than “A’s”.  My parents moved from Iowa to the St. Louis area with my Dad's job. They purposefully chose a school district that would provide the best education a public school could offer.  This school was filled with overachievers.  It wasn’t if you went to college, it was where you went on the way to graduate school.

The young women at that time were expected to achieve, achieve, achieve.  In education, in occupation, in life.  We, and all of my female peers who grew into adulthood at that time, were expected to be “hard chargers.” We were expected, to coin today’s term, to “lean in”.  I suspect this was because it was the period in which Ronald Reagan expected all in society to become independent and self-sufficient.  To place work above all other things.

So I did that.  I met all of these expectations of my parents and of society.  I became the woman I thought I needed to be.  I’ve described my life in my fictional work, Jennifer’s Mask.  Truth be told, I wrote this “fictional” work as an exact reflection and experience of my life growing up and my life as an adult woman. At times, I wrote about some things that were brutally honest, that may have caused discomfort in my family.  I wrote truthfully about my life up until that point as Jennifer.   Now it is time to write about me, as me.

I’m through leaning in. I’m finished with living a life of expectations of who I am and who others expect me to be.  I’m certain I will continue to be that responsible person who loads herself with societal expectations—to a point.  The thing is, I’ll always be there for those members of my family who have proven their loyalty and show their love for me through not just words but actions.  To be frank, I have people in my life with whom I’ve made a conscious decision over the past few years to remove myself, both emotionally and physically. This isn’t in blame or in anger.  It’s out of self-love and of a realization that I deserve genuine people in my life who care for me and, most importantly, who I care for. With these people there is no pretense, no competition. 

Leaning in and being a “hard charger” no longer appeals to me.  I no longer desire or need, at any level, to be that woman who “does it all.” I admittedly love to work and to continue to challenge myself with the sometimes complex and intricate dynamics that managerial and/or executive level positions entail.  The difference for me now is that I’m not chasing that “thing”; that drive to excel, that higher and higher income.  I no longer want to sacrifice my emotional, physical and spiritual health to achieve these things.  I’ve realized that ultimately the question for me is “to what end?”

So this is where I am in the second chapter of my life.  I’m scaling back regarding material possessions so that I may experience those things which bring me joy—traveling with close family and friends, taking time to just be. I’m learning a new language (Spanish) and am obtaining my second Master’s degree for the mere fact that it interests me and keeps my mind sharp. I don’t get “bent out of shape” anymore at the games and the ridiculousness of life sometimes.  I still am that person who believes that most people are inherently good.  The difference, I’ve come to realize, is that I deserve to receive that goodness not only from others, but most of all, from myself.