What those negative emotions feel like for a person with bipolar disorder…
If we are
adults and have lived in this oftentimes chaotic world, if we are honest with
ourselves, we all have experienced moments of transient depression. That feeling of being down, of being
blue. Most of those times this feeling is
precipitated by a time of year (Thanksgiving or Christmas) or of a situation
(loss of a family member, a friend, of a pet; maybe the dissolution of a
marriage).
Clinical depression is
different. It is a downward spiral. It is a physical sensation of a heaviness on one's chest, like when you dive into a pool and stay a bit too long under
water. This sensation is not
frightening. It’s scary as hell. You do all the things you are told to do to
alleviate this ailment. You stay busy,
you practice gratitude, you exercise, you serve others. Because you are not only high functioning, but you are also a pleaser, you mask those feelings of hopelessness. Those closest to you
may sense that something is “off” but you continue to mask these physical and
emotional upheavals. You get up every morning.
You shower and make your bed. You feign normalcy. There is a fear though, of this
depression. You don’t want to sink to
where you once were, many years ago. You
see a psychiatrist who has prescribed a mood stabilizer for your bipolar
illness and you take the recommended dosage at night, hoping for a leveling off this
malady and wishing for an uninterrupted night’s sleep. You feel so tired, so
fatigued at the effort it takes to fight off this demon. Thoughts, however fleeting, cross your
mind. They promise an end to the
seemingly never-ending work of feeling normal, of feeling “okay”. Yet you wouldn’t make this choice because of
your responsibilities (a family who needs you; the realization that stopping
your pain will lead to a lifetime of pain for your loved ones). So, you push
forward, day after day. If you are
fortunate and this weight off your chest begins to dissipate you think that you
might just make it through.
And there is
the other side of this depression when you are an individual with bipolar
illness. Equally as frightening as the
depression is, there is the possibility of feeling better, better, better until
you surpass that bell curve of normal mood swings and move toward a manic
phase. It feels like such a relief to
not feel the crushing pain of depression that you are grateful for a
reprieve. There is that thought that
crosses your mind…if I stop taking my mood stabilizer for a day or two I may
begin to feel so good it may feel akin to euphoria. You don’t dare do this though as you never want to go back to that place of utter loss of control.
Because of this you ride out the depressive episode until you swing just enough to that bell curve of normalcy.
