A letter to my son...

I may not have been a perfect mom, but I tried to be. I may not have disciplined you enough, or sometimes maybe too much. I suppose only time will tell. I fed you, I clothed you, I bought you toys.  I sang to you (however off key). I bathed you, I taught you. You were my precious boy. 

My dear friend referred to you as my work of art.  I have always thought of you that way.  You are the most important thing I will ever do. Not the education, not the job.  It is you.

I got up with you to send you to school.  I made those breakfasts for you which were hearty.  You never liked cereal, but preferred homemade omelets or pancakes.  I made these because I loved you. 

I stroked your forehead when you were sick.  When you began to experience migraines in your early teens, I took you to the neurologist to ensure you had the medicines to cause you some relief. It broke my heart to see you in pain.  I stayed up at night to ensure you were asleep, finally relieved of that pain.

You were never that cuddly child and you still are not.  I do not blame you for this. It was who you were and who you are.  I always respected that and have tried to give you that physical distance.

When you were born, I stared at you, unable to look away. I didn’t want to miss anything.  I adored, I adore you. I always kept you safe, I soothed you when you cried or when you were hurting.  

Do you realize that you mean the world to me?

I argued with you as you matured.  I still do.  We differ in our world views.  You to the right and always conservative. Me very much to the left and a social liberal; diametrically opposed.

You formed opinions of your own and I am quite proud of you for this. I love the man you have become. I tried teaching you  right from wrong. I wanted you to respect others however different they were from you; however different their life experiences or circumstances. 

I came from a stoic, somewhat inexpressive family.  We never really talked about those sometimes uncomfortable issues. I promised myself this would not be the case with you.  I hugged you every day and said I loved you at least 3 times a day.  It was important to me that you knew this; that I loved you. I  loved you, I love you unconditionally.

The thing is, it doesn’t matter if we want different things for your future.  What matters to me is that you are happy with who you are and the way you live your life.

Growing up, we sometimes had to move due to life’s circumstances.  A divorce on my part, a job relocation.  I always tried to discuss this with you as I wanted you to feel safe.

I remember that when you were in your early teens, you pretended that you didn't know me when you were on an outing. A few years later, however, you and your 2 friends hugged me as we cried at the fact families broke apart.  Those times were uncertain, and we all shared that loss.

We both went through the most difficult time in our lives when you lost your grandfather and I lost my dad. Sometimes I didn't know if we'd make it through.  We did though, and we came out the other side.  I do think we are both stronger for that. We are somehow stronger in those broken places.

I suppose what I am trying to express to you is the deep love I feel for you as my son. I love you.  Always have, always will.