I think we all, as a parent/parents really don’t ever stop
wanting to take care of our child/children despite their age. We raise them,
doing our best and hope they will launch into healthy, happy adults. We have
lived this story ourselves and we know that there will be highs and lows. That is the nature of life. Our desire for he/she/they is that there are
ultimately more highs than lows.
For me, I have been a single parent for most of my son’s life.
His birth father, my first husband, opted out of marriage and of parenthood,
quite early on. I remarried when my son
was 5. He was adopted, and we lived
as a normal, nuclear family for 7 years.
Normal and nuclear meaning that we lived in an affluent suburb, in a
mini mcmansion and drove the cars we were expected to drive: various Volvos,
Infinities and the like. We had trips to Costa Rica (2) whereby we stayed in
resorts which Americans typically do.
Several vacations to Florida where we experienced what is Walt Disney
World; Universal Studios; Banff, Alberta, Canada where we walked on Athabasca
Glacier and drove through the Canadian Rockies—wild and quite beautiful.
My son enjoyed a cadre of close friends in our neighborhood
and his schools. He played football
(even had the opportunity to play in the Dallas Cowboys stadium one Saturday).
Lacrosse was his love, however, and he excelled at it.
I say these things not to boast. I do not mean to exhibit hubris. I am
relaying this story to provide a context; a snapshot of my life/my son’s life
for this 7-year period. Suddenly, in my forties,
this seemingly perfect life fell apart.
Our 2 family friends in the neighborhood divorced. We divorced.
When people say that divorce can be amicable, I do not believe this can
be the case. Of course, you attempt to
put your child/children first. You can’t
repair the loss though, for yourself and for your kids.
So, my story continues. My son and I once again became a
single parent household. I dated a bit
but was quite hesitant to do so. I
wasn’t that bitter divorcee that one reads about in articles attempting to
define us. I realized however, that my
son needed me, and I didn’t want to spend time away from him. During the brief time I did date (a movie,
dinner out) I found myself longing to be home with my son.
The divorce from my second husband was particularly difficult,
for my son and I in several ways. The change
in our financial status was particularly difficult. Equally impactful was how society saw
us. Also, how our cadre of friends who
had maintained their marriages saw me; saw my son and me. Single parent with single son—lonely; a sad
story. Here’s the thing though. We weren't lonely. Previously there was the
chaos and drama in our lives of a husband/father that begin acting out the
second year of the marriage/fatherhood.
I think now, he felt the pressure of providing for us and the
expectation of having a certain lifestyle.
That (outwardly) perfect family.
Don’t get me wrong. My
son and I had some serious bumps in the road as he entered his teens and I
entered my mid-forties. He skipped
school and seemed to vacillate between distance from me and anger towards
me. I experienced the most difficult
time in my life. I lost my father from
cancer. I lost my job as an executive in
a non-profit. We subsequently lost our
home which I was able to purchase myself in the same neighborhood so that my
son would have less change. Ultimately,
however, and much to my shame (I have since come to peace with it), I was
diagnosed with bipolar disorder. It was
severe enough that I was hospitalized for 5 days. I was (fortunately) evaluated for medication
and subsequently evened out.
So, here we are in the present. My son is 6 weeks away from
obtaining his degree in business administration. It hasn't always been easy,
but we've made it. When he graduates we will take a 3-week trip to Portugal and
to Southern Spain (Andalusia) with a stint in Morocco. After that my son will
join the military. I will miss him, but I realize this is what I should want as
a parent. Such is the life of a single parent. Alone again, naturally.
